Life’s milestones – are they different for LGBTIQA+ people?

Bronte: compliant perhaps.

Jimmy: I was always a bit in the background, just letting other people have it out and being the mediator. That’s the role I played at home. Okay, so kind of like a chameleon where you are reporting to what’s required in different situations, and you can pick it on and pick it off.

Absolutely, that’s exactly how I would describe myself. It’s a safety thing, right? Because I know who I am and I know my biggest, fullest version of myself, but if it’s not going to be received in the way that I want it to be, you know, this kind of ties in with the trans stuff too, right? It’s like, do I want to fly under the radar here? Yes, I do because it’s safer for me.

I’m not going to get attention put on me. I’m not going to get scrutinised or criticised or all this kind of stuff. So, I’ve always played a bit of a game, you know?

Bronte: So post high school, you finished, and you went right through high school, correct?

Jimmy: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bronte: And then you headed to university. Tell me how you found the looser, I guess, freer, more independent vibe that we have associated in our minds, I think, with universities compared with the pretty structured kind of learning, even social learning that goes on at school. How was that for you? And tell us a bit about what you studied at Uni as well.

Jimmy: Sure, so I studied music, so creative, and I also studied education. Um, when I went to uni, I moved out of my mum’s house and moved to Sydney. I lived with my dad, and I don’t really know him that well. So, I was kind of getting to know him as a person.

He was very much like a housemate. I had never been disciplined by my dad ever in my life that I can think of because he just wasn’t around. So, it was like two people just living with each other. He was really depressed, and I would describe him as an alcoholic.

So, he was just drinking every day and passing out on the couch, and I just came and went as I pleased. So, I just turned… I’ve basically been in the world, living with a parent who is completely absent. And I’m going to uni where there’s not that much structure. To be honest, I actually just went off the rails.

I had all of this freedom, all of this awful pain that I was carrying, and I just basically exploded everywhere. Um, I was partying all the time, I wasn’t eating, I became really fixated on starving myself and dropping as much weight as I could.

Um, and my dad’s just not noticing anything because, well, he’s drunk all the time. So, I just had free rein. I just didn’t have the tools to deal with basically being let out to run free in the world. Um, I started failing uni. I never really went. I was always in the counsellor’s office.

Um, I had to go and do a bunch of like, um, are they called black psychiatric assessments, all this kind of stuff. Like I felt like I lost my mind. Like I was so paranoid, and I guess what I would call stress-induced psychosis.

Like, I was hallucinating. I thought people were coming after me. Like, it was a really, really bad time. Um, but at the same time, I was performing like interstate, um, you know, like living a real rock and roll kind of lifestyle. Um, but I was doing really well in my singing because I did classical voice, and I had an amazing teacher.

So, it was like, I’m high-functioning, I’m getting all my work done, but then also, like, not because, oh, now you’re really not making it to uni. Like, you just, you’re not feeding yourself. Like, you know, I would stop showering. I just, it was a mess.

Bronte: So, what happened to turn that around? So, you had all this freedom and independence that you weren’t taking responsibility for. What happened to change all that?

Jimmy: Um, it was a gradual thing over time. Um, I mean, there were just moments, you know, like, I was so far gone, especially in my intimate relationships. I was cheating all the time. Um, and I just, I don’t know, I had no remorse.

I was just, I was like manic all the time. I just, I think it wasn’t registering. And then I remember being at the beach one day, and I just had this really intense moment of, like, if the 10-year-old version of me could see me now, they would be devastated because all I was doing was just hurting people, was hurting people and I was hurting myself.

And like that was a really sobering thought for me. It was like the first time that I really reflected on who I was becoming. I understood that I was this way because of all the things that I was feeling inside.

At the time, I couldn’t fully divulge them even to myself. It was too much for me to handle. But I knew that I was kind of letting myself go down that path. It’s a choice. I don’t want to be that person. I want to bring joy, love, and light into this world. So, I need to make decisions that reflect that.

I need to do things that align with what I value. I had that moment, and then I felt inspired for a bit. I had a new level of consciousness and awareness about it, but I still fell back into my old patterns.

I kept doing it, and even now, I am so much better. I’m really proud of who I am and what I bring to the world and the community. But I still feel like this default where a switch flicks, and I’m just back into this. It almost doesn’t feel like me.

It’s just this person who has so much hurt and just wants to feel it and wants others to feel it. I start using drugs and alcohol again, and I get really hurt. But it’s just little moments along the way that have kind of helped me go, ‘Oh, it’s not worth losing what you have to just sit there in your pain.’ The work that I do with my therapist and my chosen family is kind of key to helping me through those times and to reflect on that switch.

Sometimes, it’s a real personal thing. I’m the kind of person that, even though I’m super social and really bubbly, I’m never in my room. But sometimes, I’m going through those moments, and I just lock myself in my room for like days.

I just stand in front of my mirror, and I talk to myself, and I pray because I was raised with religion. I try to connect to a grounded version of me and feel connected to the world around me because when I start feeling like that, I feel no connection to anything.

It’s easy to do really hurtful things because you can’t feel another person’s feelings or remorse. So, I try to reconnect myself to my belief systems and stuff like that. Definitely, having people there as sounding boards who know me and know what my patterns are like, that is really helpful because I can say the awful things that I’m thinking and feeling and not be judged.

Some of the power gets taken away once it’s out of my mouth. I’m like, ‘Oh, that’s true.’

Bronte: You know, just the fact that actually sharing what’s or saying those words is sometimes enough to help you reflect.

I think you talked earlier about the fact that it was really hard to hold down a paid job for some time, and so you  eventually graduated from a community with a degree in music. Is that right?

Bronte: How did you come to own your own business? You’re the boss now, right?

Jimmy: Well, I finished uni and did my pracs in high schools. It was tough because that was pre-medical transition, but I hated the restrictions placed on me in terms of how I could teach. I always had a sense of professionalism, but I’m very relaxed in terms of the way I talk to people.
I like to keep things human and maintain a sense of humanity. I didn’t like the way I had to be stringent and set myself as the authority, with the children beneath me. Even in my pracs, I dealt with a lot of kids who were very inappropriate towards me, and I was still a kid. I had to maintain proper boundaries.
Keeping in mind everything I just told you about drugs, alcohol, impulse control, and all that kind of stuff, I knew I couldn’t be a teacher.

So, that’s when I started working for my dad. It had its own issues, but he supported me through my transition and recovery from surgeries. It was easy to talk to him about it since he knew. We were running an importing and wholesale retail hand tool company, which was very different from anything I’d done before. It exposed me to construction, and we had a lot of tradies that would come in. I stayed there for a few years through my first few years of HRT. I started gaining confidence as I looked more masculine and older. Eventually, my dad wanted to wind things down, and I couldn’t see myself carrying on the business. So, I said I think I’m going to go find a trade.

I looked everywhere to get an apprenticeship as a mature age person, but nobody would take me on. So, I worked as a casual labourer for years for different people. Then, I realized that people were relying on my skill set and paying me as a casual labourer.

Later, I got a phone call from a company CEO that builds granny flats and stuff. She said our values aligned and asked me to work as their site foreman. I said yes because I was getting married, and it was going to be good money. I also had a sense of duty to further my career, although it was never super important to me.

But, I told her I did not want to be super invested in this because I live in Wollongong, and I need to travel a lot if it is in Sydney. Basically, I was saying, “Please don’t steamroll me with your business dreams.” She talked me out of quitting that job multiple times with better conditions and a little bit of extra attention, and that was miserable.

I was working my ass off for somebody else’s dream, and that’s a massive burden to bear. I was the only person who knew her system, and she needed me. Although I felt I wanted to help her, I was at the mercy of her organisational skills and lack of experience in the industry.

Eventually, my relationship broke down, and I went for a walk with one of my zias (auntie), and she asked me what my five-year plan was. I said I wanted to work for myself, be in a long-term relationship, and own a house.

She said, “If you want to work for yourself, why are you working for somebody else?” I realized she was right. I could be doing this by myself because I have the skill set. It’s terrifying because I’m going to have to start from scratch. But, then I quit my job, and I told my boss that no means no.

I stopped responding to her messages, trying to get me back, and took two weeks off. Then, I embarked on this journey that has turned into this crazy successful business. I never thought I would be running a carpentry business with an employee, but it’s been a year, and we’ve already made a profit. Although I don’t like working full-time, I manage to balance my work, and we are more than surviving off what we’re doing.

I’m grateful that so many people have supported my business, including my family, the theatre community, and many others. Since the article in the ABC came out, I’ve got a lot of business from that and local recognition.

I’m based in Wollongong, and I named my business Nailed It Carpentry because I thought it would be funny. At the moment, it’s just me and one of my best mates, who wanted a career change as a chef for years and called me up one day, saying he needed to do something different.